Choke

I can’t breathe

I want to, but it hurts too much.

I choke on smoke clouds

Trying to find clarity

If I stop breathing in this moment

Would I know it?

If this was the time

That time stood still

Would I feel it?

Slow down to a heartbeat

Pulse and hear nothing

Close your eyes and try to smile

Construct joy from day-old memories and half-finished love songs

Anything but this empty

Anything but this empty

When was the day that I decided this wasn’t good enough?

Dead men’s words and Live men’s indifference

I internalize

I string my soul with what-ifs

Trying to pluck out some semblance of a “happy”

Am I selfish?

Is this worth it?

Say things you don’t mean

Live a life you don’t want

This is who you’re supposed to be,

Jasmine

Jasmine

Jasmine?

Can you hear me?

Are you capable of looking me in the eye and telling me your truth?

Are you capable of shutting your mouth and hearing mine?

If I sung you all of my truths,

You would call them masterpiece.

If I wrote you all of my truths,

You would cry “orgasmic.”

But in the dim light of my abyss,

I tell you my truth and you

Don’t

Fucking

Listen.

Life is a cacophony

A million and one voices fighting to be heard

Fighting the sky for a piece of heaven

I am the loudest in the room

And you choose not to hear me.

So don’t ask me how I feel

You don’t care

If you did

You’d be here.

In this moment.

Helping me to breathe.