Trainsparring: Volume 1

It may be that total recovery comes from an admittance of total dependency. It seems like to "knock" the habits that are detrimental, I have to address addiction as a brain function. That is, the obsessive need to DO. Or BELIEVE. Or LOVE. It appears far more complicated than I initially thought - obsession may in fact be an addiction?

I root this in my thought patterns, convoluted and dark as the histories of my complexion. They are both the weapon with which I offset the world and harm myself. People are adamant about combating the tangible - drugs, alcohol, nicoTINEE. But the subconscious, the thoughts we use to combat the aches, often go unnoticed. For me, I think that the need for connection, for understanding is the most dangerous. Love is that most elusive of highs, and its absence is the most dangerous. There is no substitute, no methadone for the heart. Instead, we craft pseudo-somethings, hoping against hope that they will become absolution. All the while, the withdrawal grows. Haunts. Feeds. And so for me, it seems that to disentangle the noose that threatens my maturity I have to disengage from those that cause me to need it. Superrrrr meta to the rescue!

Sobriety is a funny thing. We all hold it to be our essence, our truth but I can't really believe that. We walk this earth hurting, yelling, screaming in rage and try our best to placate the noise. Most would blame dependencies on the erraticism of our time - I blame sobriety. Pain is the constant of the human condition, and yet we are perpetually doing all we can to end it. In that case, dependency on SOMETHiNG (to take the pain away) is as much a part of our existence as its foil. Otherwise, we spin and scream and whirl like dervishes. It may be in our nature to need, and to satiate, and then need again. At this point, I am attempting to understand the nature of need. Why I need certain people, certain substances and certain moments to be whole. Wholeness is overrated, BY THE FUCKING WAY. All of the best creators, innovators and believers are anything but. At this juncture, however, my Wholeness is less optional. Or rather, my disjointedness is less cute/inspirational/cute. It's destructive and distracting and disillusioned. The meditation for today is steadfast - focus on yesterday's clarity, channel the steel point of that decision and steady on. This is the most exciting time of your life Jasmine. You better fucking act like it.