A fortiori

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. So much to write, so much to express, so much to settle before a new year begins. 2010 was the fight of my life. The woman that I am at the end of this year makes me incredibly proud - the amount of work, dedication and contemplation that went into finding this Jasmine is incomparable. However, if asked if I wanted to do this all again, I would probably say no. This year, I burned - bled passion, anger, disappointment, fear, anxiety. I felt in a way that I never had. Both in mind and body, I cut deep. I felt all that is beautiful and all that is terrible about my life. A barrage of light.darkness.tears.cold mornings.anxiety.laughter.love - if anything, I’d call 2010 the year of the reckoning.

“College is a refuge from hasty judgment” - Robert Frost

Unfortunately, Mr. Frost, Columbia University is a refuge for hasty judgment. Poor decisions, reckless behaviors and conspicuous consumption - this is what my college experience has been at times, and what the first half of my year centered on. Don’t get me wrong - in the moment, there was nothing but love and excitement. Never in my life have I felt so included - finally I was loved for who I was, sweatpants, hair tied and all. We were a family - sequestering ourselves behind a closed door and a cloud of smoke. In retrospect, it appears one long moment of light, laughter and this sense of acceptance - we were all struggling, trying to find our way, either transitioning into college or transitioning out. It was us against the world. Then May came, the sun rose a little higher in the sky, and life forced us to move on. I know I will miss those moments, in that suite, for the rest of my life. It was that beautiful. At this moment, I can say that I take from it some beautiful relationships and great memories. Nothing more, and nothing less. Where we stand today or tomorrow is somewhat irrelevant - we will always have 1006.

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family” - Anthony Brandt

Everything that I am and everything that I am not is my family. I love you with every part of my heart and I miss what we were, but I am so excited about what we will be in 2011. We are stronger than every obstacle we’ve faced, every fight we’ve had, every tear we’ve shed. Fight tough, fight fair, love hard. It’s gotten us this far. I miss you.

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down”

To the best goddamn neighbors on earth:

you are my anchors. Hands down. I don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate your love, your support, your patience. Thank you for helping me hold on to me through some trying times. I love you girls.

To my uptown girl :

Thank you for your laughter. The inimitable quality that you have to bring sunshine into my life is a treasure - thank you for helping me to turn down the crazy and see myself even when everything in me wants to fade.

To my cross-campus crew:

Sometimes I feel like you’re the only thing tying me down. Thank you for keeping me here, in the moment, and loving me for my crazy.

To a special new friend:

I appreciate all that you are and all that we will be. Lookout world.

To my guardian angels:

 In dire moments, you stepped up to talk me through my dark place. You helped me fight on and fight harder in this battle against myself. You know who you are, and thank you. I’m on my way to making it up to you.

To all of the people that have helped me fight this fight, I love you.

“So what the fuck happens now?” - Jasmine Sudarkasa

This year will be trying, to say the least. I’m excited about its prospects and trials - I think I’m ready to be the woman that I’ve been threatening to be for the last five years. This year isn’t going to be about saying… It’s all about the doing.

1. I will love me FIRST.
2. I will  not hide behind dysfunction.
3. I will be honest. With myself and others.
4. I will chase the dreams that I hide behind modesty
5. I will redefine my stability.
6. I will smile more.
7. I will write until there is no breath in my pen, ink in my body.

“Life loves the liver of it” - Maya Angelou
Peace and blessings in the next decade of the new millennium.

Jasmine